After stopping for lunch at a local deli, Max turned the Jeep north. He knew the mountains and the caves, and I didn't question him. A hot wind whipped my pony tail. I was grateful for Max's baseball hat. Without the hat I would have spent the afternoon combing knots from my hair. The Jeep screamed down the rural highway. Sixty miles per hour was too fast, but I was in a mood for risk. I hadn't come here to fold my hands in my lap and rock on the porch. My writing instructors always said my writing lacked adventure, so if I wanted to take risks on the written page, I needed to accept risk in my life.
Wind noise made it impossible to talk. I would have liked a conversation as the tension from the stories remained locked inside. I wasn't sure I could continue reading Margarite's stories if they were going to reduce me to a quivering mass of wet, torrid flesh. Yet the desire to know more about her and Max and her erotic therapy drove me to the files, the stories. Learning about them had become a quest, and I knew I wouldn't stop until I found the answer. A part of me said I already knew the answer, that Max and Margarite were old-fashioned lovers, two attractive people thrown together often and for long periods. Talking led to touching, touching led to kissing, kissing led to more touching, and it all led to sex. A million bosses and secretaries could recite the common progression. Max and Magarite were variations on a musical theme. Somehow, though, I didn't believe my own analysis. Max and Margarite had something special--or else why write the erotica? I couldn't believe they were ordinary lovers. But what were they? What role did the stories play in their relationship?
Max looked over and smiled as he turned off the main road and headed down a two-lane, dirt track.
"Almost there," he yelled. "A couple more miles."
"Great!" I yelled back.
Max finally parked in a small dirt lot next to two other vehicles. I followed him to the back of the Jeep where he started pulling equipment out of a box.
"Here." He handed me a flashlight. "I've got one on my hat."
He tapped the small lamp built into the hard hat he wore. My flashlight had a clip on the end, which I latched to the belt loop on my jeans. I tied my flannel shirt around my waist as Max slipped orange coveralls over his cutoffs and T-shirt. A wave of heat swept over us and suddenly I couldn't wait to enter the cool cave.
"Do these cars mean that other people are inside?" I asked.
"Probably... unless they're hiking. This cave is a local favorite. Let's go," said Max taking the lead.
A gravel path led to the mouth of the cave where a sign posted a warning. "Enter at your own risk. Not responsible for injuries incurred on this property."
"Are you sure this is safe?" I asked as Max ducked his head and entered the cave.
"Yeah... come on." He continued inside. "Don't sweat the disclaimer."
The ceiling was high enough for me to clear, but I instinctively ducked my head. We were encased in darkness so complete, the light from Max's helmet couldn't make a difference and I could hardly see him. The walls of the cave narrowed, and the coolness sent a chill down my arms.
"Oh, this is weird," I said keeping close behind Max. "All I can see is your butt."
"Is that a compliment or a complaint ?" Max laughed as he delved into the depths of the cave.
"A comment." I stopped, unhooked the flashlight, and turned it on. Max had surged ahead, and I hurried to catch up. "Slow down," I called. He stopped and turned, shining his light into my eyes. The brightness blinded me, and I shielded my eyes with my hands.
"Sorry," said Max turning off the light. I aimed my flashlight towards the side as I reached him. The beam quivered against the rock, and I realized I was shaking.
"Are you OK?" asked Max putting his arm around me. Suddenly I was shaking more than I could believe. "You're trembling, Jamie." He took my flashlight and pulled me tighter against him. My mind reeled as I tried to get a grip on my emotions.
"Give me a sec," I said trying to calm myself. "I need to get used to this...dark." The dank, earthy smell was overpowering and pressed in on my chest as I struggled to breathe. I turned my face towards Max's chest to filter the air and sucked in a diluted mixture of earth and maleness. The scent somehow soothed me, and I didn't turn away when he pulled me closer.
"Want to go back out?" His asked, obviously concerned, and I felt silly that I had panicked. Would Max think I was behaving like a child?
"No," I muffled into his chest. "It's going away. Give me another minute." I felt myself starting to calm, and I let out a heavy sigh. Max rubbed my back tenderly and rested his chin on the top of my head.
"It's OK, Jamie," he whispered. "You're safe."
Those last two words suddenly burst the dam, and a reservoir of tears poured out. He never questioned why I cried; he just held me as I sobbed into his chest. No soothing words, no questions, it almost seemed as if he was embarrassed by my outburst, as if he wasn't accustomed to women in tears. As quickly as it started, the emotional flood ended and I quieted in his arms.
"I'm sorry," I said pulling myself away. "I have no idea what that was about."
"It doesn't matter. Caves affect people differently. Sometimes the dark triggers the memory of a fear."
"Oh really, Doctor?" I said, trying to make a joke.
"Happens to me sometimes. I don't think people were designed for the dark," said Max. "Want to go back? It's OK if you do."
"No," I sighed. "I actually feel better. Let's go a little further. I'd hate to chicken out after five minutes."
Max handed the flashlight to me and turned on his helmet lamp. I wiped the tears off my cheeks and took his extended hand reaching back to me.
"How far does this cave go?"
"Oh, you could spend a day walking around in here and never find the end. But I think we'll go to the crystal room today."
I wanted to ask how far away the crystal room was, but I decided it was better not to know. The path widened a bit, weakening the claustrophobic feeling. Max stopped and pulled me alongside him.
"You see that narrow passage?" He pointed to a thin space at the back of the cave.
"Yeah," I said shining my flashlight around the opening.
"Through that opening is a huge room with the most magnificent growth of crystals you'll ever see. We have to slide through sideways. Wear your shirt so you don't get scratched."
He held my flashlight while I put on my shirt. My chest was starting to feel tight, and I labored to control my breathing. The passage was so narrow I had visions of the earth suddenly squeezing the life from me.
"OK, ready?" asked Max.
"No, but let's go." I knew if I thought about the passage any longer, fear would turn my back on the opening and propel me out of the cave. Max clasped my hand and turned sideways to edge slowly between the granite walls. As he cleared the passage, I held my breath and pressed myself between the threatening rocks. When I cleared, Max squeezed my hand and smiled.
"You're going to love this, Jamie," he said. "Look up."
I tilted my flashlight to the ceiling and almost choked at the beautiful wonder of nature. Sixty-foot stalagmites that looked like giant bowling pins protruded from thickets of rock icicles and pads of cave pearls.
"Oh my God, Max!" I cried out. "How beautiful."
"Come over here," he said taking my hand. "There's a place to sit." He led me to a nearby rock that jutted out from the cave wall as if to create a perfect bench from which to view the crystals.
"How did you find this?" I asked, shining my flashlight across the ceiling. Max took off his helmet and played his head lamp across the sparkling crystals.
"Most of the locals know about it. There's rumor the state wants to turn this cave into a park. But nobody around here wants that to happen. We like keeping it to ourselves."
"It's so... magical," I said as I circled my light around the room.
"Yeah...this is one of my favorite places...especially on a hot day." I thought the temperature was around 65 degrees in the room - at least 30 degrees cooler than outside.
"Wow," I said again as I absorbed the beauty. I looked at Max and found him smiling. "What?"
"Nothing," he said quickly. "I'm glad that the view is worth the trauma you felt earlier."
"Oh," I said looking back to the rocks. "I'm sorry about that."
"Jamie," said Max. "Don't ever apologize for your fears."
I couldn't believe how understanding he was, and how truly safe I felt when I cried in his arms.
"You were great, by the way." I forced my eyes back to his and smiled. "It was nice to be held."
"Holding is easy, Jamie--sometimes."
I felt myself wanting to be in his arms again, and I pulled my eyes away.
"Caves are a great place to confront fears," said Max shining his light on a long stalagmite. "If you can face down a fear here, you can do anything out in the sun."
"Because you feel like you're being swallowed by the earth?" I chuckled.
"No, I feel supported by the Earth...sort of that Mother Earth connection, like I'm in her womb. Safe." His voice seemed far away as he closed his eyes. Was he savoring the connection?
"I haven't made that connection yet," I said. "But I have a sense of what you're describing." We sat quietly gazing at the display of nature. I wondered what fears Max confronted in the eerie beauty of the cave. What demons danced under the twinkling, refracted light from his lamp? What grinning monsters did Max slay in this eerily beautiful place?
"What are you afraid of Max?" I asked.
He turned his face towards me and smiled quickly before looking away. "Why do you want to know?"
"Well, I showed you my fear, I thought you might show me yours."
"You showed me your reaction to fear, Jamie," he said gently. "You didn't tell me what fueled the fear."
"That's true," I admitted. "Never mind." I wasn't going to push him into revealing anything because I didn't want to open my closeted past. We sat quietly, and I cursed myself for creating the awkward silence.
"Women," said Max suddenly.
"What?"
"I'm afraid of women." He looked for a reaction, and I was grateful for the dark that hid my face.
"In what way?" I suddenly felt honored to have his trust. How many men would admit a fear of women?
"Intimacy, I guess. I've always been afraid to make the first move...even if I've known the woman a long time."
"Are you afraid they'll reject you?" God, I sounded like my therapist. I wanted to laugh. Here I was, a bundle of thriving neuroses, and I was playing psychologist to Max's patient.
"Yeah...maybe... I don't know."
"So what usually happens?" I asked.
He took a deep breath and looked to the ceiling. "A damn attractive woman moved to town three years ago. Her name was Tammy, and she was pretty and smart and funny. We would shoot pool on Saturday nights and sip beer and slip off to the Buffalo Bar to listen to Bluegrass tunes. She loved to dance. A couple times a week, we'd meet at the Donut Den for breakfast. Her smile was pure sunshine. She could melt a miser's heart. Tammy liked me, liked me a lot, and I was damn fond of her. Don't laugh, but I used to send her little notes. Not love notes exactly, more like comic relief. You know, a note might say, 'Touch this paper, and you're having sex with me. I can tell that you like it from the smile on your face.'"
I laughed involuntarily, and Max flashed a lopsided grin.
"See," Max continued. "They were funny. She loved those little notes. I had fun writing them."
"So what happened to Tammy?"
"What always happens with me. We reached a point where I either had to take the next step or back out. I was too damn scared to do either, so we kinda drifted. You know, the pool wasn't so much fun, the music not so intimate. Breakfast became tougher. We weren't meant to be friends, we were meant to be lovers."
"Then, one night she showed up late at the Buffalo. She sat at the table, and I knew she wanted to say something. I joked and put her off, and the music started, and some guy came up and took her hand. He pulled her out that chair just as natural as a baby learning to walk. I knew the end had come. You know when those things happen. She leaned close and kissed my cheek, and she whispered, 'If a girl waits for you, she'll never get anything.'"
Max exhaled in one long, slow breath. "Tammy left town a month later. Moved to Denver, and word was she stayed married less than a year. That guy wasn't right for her. I guess I wasn't either." He chuckled sardonically. "Hell, I never even tried. Some people are too stupid to be happy."
I wasn't sure what to say, so I sat quietly and thought about his story. I felt I owed him something...some piece of my fear in exchange for his. How much should I share?
"I'm afraid of intimacy myself, Max," I said finally.
"Why?" he asked turning to me. His eyes were lost in the scant light, but I was still drawn into them.
"I had a bad experience in college...kind of messed me up."
"Did he hurt you?"
"Pain is a funny thing, Max. The physical pain wore off quickly. I was young and healthy. The other pain...well, I'm not sure that wound will ever heal. Every time I think the scar is thick and tough, I discover I'm bleeding again."
Why was I so willing to open up to him? Did his wounds make it easy for me to bare mine?
"Before I came out here," I continued. "I was engaged. Tim was everything a girl could want. Handsome, but not pretty - strong, successful, stable, sober. His family liked me; his mother was as fine a woman as I have ever known. He adored me, he really did. I loved him--at least I thought I did. We clicked in so many ways I was certain we were destined for each other. Everything worked perfectly until we reached the bedroom.
"In another time, a man might postpone sex until the wedding night, but today not many couples wait till the knot is tied before they test sexual compatibility. Makes sense if you think about it. Why pledge fidelity to someone who might not set your heart beating? Tim and I talked about sex, agreed that we ought to taste the fruit before we bought the orchard. He booked a hotel suite, ordered champagne, fed me chocolate covered strawberries, massaged me with hot oil, did everything humanly possible--except make love to me."
I paused as emotion choked back the words. I possessed no expression to describe Tim's face that night when I told him I couldn't make love to him. The incredible pain in his face stabbed my heart. I had mortally wounded that which I loved best. How could I explain that agony to Max? I couldn't. I wouldn't even try.
"He laughed it off," I continued. "Beeg joke, no? He would have gone through with the marriage, but I couldn't allow that. Our shared misery would have killed our love. I gave him back his ring. We cried in each others' arms. I ran out here--to write and forget."
We sat quietly and looked at the shining reflections of the crystals against the light. The cave had no balm for my cut, just as the crystals couldn't imbue Max with courage.
"Want to experience the womb?" asked Max.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "I thought we were in the womb."
"Turn off your light, and you'll get the full effect."
I clicked off the flashlight. Max flicked off the lamp on his helmet. Total darkness engulfed me like a blanket. No light, no noise, only the smell of the earth and the pounding of my heart.
"What do you think?" whispered Max.
"I'm not sure...it's a mixture of fear and familiar."
"Exactly," confirmed Max. "Try to visualize the fear."
I followed the fear inside of me and felt a pressure on my chest again. Someone overpowered and crushed me, forcing me...
"Oh god..." I gasped trying to gulp air.
"Do you want to stop?" asked Max. "I'm here if you want to keep going. You're safe, Jamie, utterly safe."
Those two words gave me permission to let go. This time the path to my wound was quickly traversed, and I buried my head in my hands and wept. Imagining myself in the womb, I rocked myself back and forth. As my tears slowed, Max reached over and pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his neck as more tears flowed. He stroked my hair as I emptied myself in his arms.
My emotions were shifting, and beneath the fear and pain was an unexpected passion. My hands started to respond by stroking Max's back and pulling him closer. My mouth opened on his neck and hinted at a kiss. His mouth turned toward me. I turned my mouth towards his. When our lips met, the emotional explosion shook both of us.
I was lost between enjoying the sensation and analyzing the fact that I wasn't pulling back. Max's lips were delicious, mixed with the salty taste of my tears. His hands did not press further and I felt safe to explore my feelings. I buried myself in his neck as he held me tight.
"Oh, Jamie..." he sighed.
From the entrance of the cave came the sound of explorers. Max and I slowly pulled ourselves apart.
"Sounds like company," said Max turning on his helmet lamp. The crystals lit up again, and I felt I was in a dream. Max gently wiped the tears from my cheeks as he stared into my eyes. I wanted him to kiss me, and the thought of it made me smile.
"I like your smile," said Max
"Thanks for making me smile."
A new light shined through the crevice to the room, and we watched two young men slide through.
"Hi!" said the first guy, shining his light near us. "Enjoying the view?"
"Yeah," said Max, rising and taking my hand. "It's spectacular, but we've seen enough...enjoy yourselves."
We slid through the crevice, and I held Max's hand as we wove back out to the hot sunshine.
©Copyright 1996 - 1998 Angela Preston. These stories may not be reprinted in any form without written permission.